I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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