I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
