I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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