I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Never joke about your clitoris.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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