I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
