During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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