And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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