Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
