How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
