They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
