I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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