THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I wish life had little blips of pornography
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
