Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
