I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
