I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
