dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
