i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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