I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
