When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
