I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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