Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
