I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
