fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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