I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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