The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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