If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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