Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
my phone needs a breathalizer
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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