He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
