I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
if only i could text you this smell
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
