Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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