South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
