i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
