i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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