my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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