I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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