He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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