now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
