Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
