Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
