My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
