does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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