Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
