Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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