capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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