I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
