a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
