'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Randomize
