I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
