my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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