every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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