can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
