I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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